


Bury Me in Roses

by PastelMess



Category: Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Angst, Hanahaki Disease, M/M, Support Group
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-30
Updated: 2017-09-30
Packaged: 2019-01-07 02:01:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,882
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12223467
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PastelMess/pseuds/PastelMess
Summary: No, there aren't perks to being in love with your best friend. Do you want to be choking on flowers every time you see Tyler Joseph?





	Bury Me in Roses

**Author's Note:**

> Heyyyy after a million years, I'm here with a brand new fic! I wanted to attempt the Hanahaki trend because I find something strangely beautiful about this concept.

He starts his journal entry off nice and easy.

_ No, I will not list the good things about this stupid disease. You know why? Because being in love with your best friend is not a “pleasant time.” Why would you even ask me that? _

The prompt involved listing the benefits of unrequited love. That’s why Josh was here in the first place. He had a disease so rare and so few that there had to be a support group for it.

Being diagnosed with Hanahaki Disease was not something Josh thought would happen to him in his lifetime. He had grown up learning that only a _few_ people got this, because unrequited love was so _rare,_ that people either got to be in a relationship with the person they loved or moved on.

But Josh _couldn’t_ move on. When things got at their worst, he would cough and cough, watching the flower petals spill through his calloused fingers onto the floor below. His face would turn red in shame, in embarrassment, as people glanced at him with sympathy. He hated it.

His mother was the one who suggested he go to this support group in the first place. “You don’t have to tell me who it is,” she said to him one night, “but I want you to try and fix this problem before it gets too serious and we need to start looking into surgery.” 

Surgery. The thought hung over him like a storm cloud. He was a senior in high school, about to venture into the real world, and here he was, at a stupid support group because he was in love with his best friend.

“Okay!” The group leader, Miss Stephanie, claps her hands together cheerfully and smiles big. Josh gags. There’s no way her happiness is real. She was surrounded by a bunch of sick kids. Josh knew for sure he wouldn’t be happy. “Now that you’ve had time to write down your thoughts, would anyone like to share?”

A scrawny, redheaded boy named Charlie raises his hand. He coughs into the crook of his elbow right after, a spiral of beautiful, bright yellow Daffodil petals falling to the tiled ground. Josh knows that one. It’s the most frequent one, the one flower the group has in common: unrequited love.

The group members all look away, pretending they didn’t see that. Support group was a load of bullshit. Nobody was here because they wanted “support.” They were here because they were being forced to go. None of them ever interacted with each other outside of this stupid classroom.

“It’s okay Charlie, you go ahead.” Miss Stephanie waves her hand and flashes him a sympathetic smile. He clears his throat and brushes a couple of straggling petals to the floor.

“Right. Okay. Uhm, some benefits. I... uhm, well...” Charlie trails off and instead looks at the floor. He pushes the toe of his shoe into the petals. “It’s nice, I guess, feeling love. It just sucks that this person doesn’t love me back.”

“Have you asked them?” She still has that stupid smile on her face. Josh looks back down at his journal and scribbles, _I think unrequited love is awesome because it allowed me to see Miss Stephanie’s fake ass grin._

“N-No,” Charlie stutters, avoiding eye contact. “How would I even bring that up?”

“It’s best for all of you to tell the person who is the cause of this disease. I know that makes it sound like a bad thing, but it is the first step is helping to cure your sickness. None of you want to go through with surgery. It’s a painful and long procedure.”

“So we’re forced to come here instead,” mutters Truman, a sophomore with long, shoulder length black hair. He has a cool skull tattoo.

“Now Truman, you know we don’t use the word force here. We are here to support one another in hard times. Some of you are in worse positions than others and it’s in your best nature to learn from them. Moving on. Josh? Would you care to share?”

Josh looks up from his notebook and pushes hair out of his face. He sighs. “Okay. Well, to start off with, I think this was a stupid question.” The room fills with murmurs. It seems Josh wasn’t the only one who thought that. “Second, I don’t think there are any benefits to unrequited love. You know why? Because being in love with your best friend is not a _benefit._ It is a burden, a nuisance, because every time I look at him, I’m choking on stupid fucking flowers.”

“Language,” Miss Stephanie warns. Josh shoots her a glare that could kill.

“I’m not going to sit here and pretend that this disease can be viewed in a positive light. One day, I’m going to suffocate because there are vines twisting in my lungs. I have no hope that this group will solve my problem. I will not tell my best friend that I am in love with him because, in a few months, he will move to a different state for college, and find a girlfriend, and do all this other shit-- sorry, crap, as he starts his own life.”

“You don’t think he’ll talk to you again?” Asks a petite blonde girl named Katie. He’s surprised the other kids in the group are actually interested in what he has to say, but Josh is on a roll and doesn’t want to stop talking.

“I don’t know, honestly. Most people don’t stay in contact with high school friends, y’know?”

“But if he’s your best friend, I’m sure he’ll want to continue talking to you. How are you going to manage to stay alive?” That was Truman. Okay, now things were strange.

“I will not burden my friend by dropping the L bomb on him. He doesn’t deserve that. He doesn’t deserve to know that _he_ is the reason I’m coughing up petals.”

“How bad has it gotten, Josh?” Miss Stephanie looks worried, and for once, her big, fake smile is long gone. “What flowers?”

He thinks about it. Of course, there were the Daffodils, but everyone with Hanahaki had that. “Daisies,” Josh finally admits. There’s a small gasp.

“I’ll never tell,” Katie whispers. She shakes her head.

“Anything else?” Miss Stephanie presses harder for more information.

“Uhm... red roses. But those aren’t, like, rare, are they? We all love someone else. That’s why we’re here in the first place.”

“Three kinds of flowers. Does anyone else here have three they are certain of?” She peers around the room. Out of the ten kids total, only four raised their hands. One or two is the most average. Three doesn’t raise many eyebrows, but it’s definitely getting up there. Four, five, and six-- that’s the danger zone. And if you’re any higher than that? Good luck. You’re walking the wire.

Josh looks over at Spencer. He’s definitely the worse out of everyone, coughing up eight different kinds of flowers; today’s his last support group, and his surgery is scheduled at the end of the week. He was always pretty quiet, but Josh had been intrigued by him. His skin was pale, his veins bulging from constant coughing. Josh remembered the first time he had heard the kid speak. He had never wanted to end up like Spencer, but that was the direction he was heading in.

“Josh, this is getting serious. I honestly do believe it would benefit you to tell your friend. What if the feelings are reciprocated?”

Josh laughs bitterly. “Oh yeah. Maybe I’ll be in the one percent that’s miraculously healed because my best friend just so happens to also be in love with me. No offense Miss Stephanie, but we live in the real world. This isn’t some fairy tale. I won’t be that lucky. I’m sure most of us won’t be that lucky. I know for sure that none of us appreciate you coming in here each day with your fake ass smile asking us what the benefits of our disease are. You claim our disease doesn’t define us. Yeah? Well, that’s bullshit. It definitely defines me. That’s why my teachers give me pity looks and why everytime we say something depressing you give us your own pitiful smile. You aren’t happy being here. Stop lying.”

The room is silent. Miss Stephanie looks shocked that Josh would even say such a thing. He’s sort of surprised too because usually, he’s really quiet, but today that wasn’t enough for him.

“Well,” she clears her throat, “I think that’s as good of a place as any to close up for the night. Thank you all for coming, I will see you on Wednesday.”

The group stands up collectively and heads for the door. Josh feels a small pang of guilt, because she really does seem hurt, but he shrugs it off. Stephanie needed to hear that. She needed to know that they can see things, even if they don’t say anything about it.

Truman stops Josh on the way out. “Hey, dude, I know, we uhm, don’t talk very much, but I just wanna say thanks, for what you said today. It needed to be said.”

Josh nods. “No problem, dude. I mean, isn’t that the point of a support group?” He adds extra emphasis on ‘support group,’ causing Truman to crack a smile.

“Right. Well. See you Wednesday.”

“Yeah, see you Wednesday.” Josh leaves after that, cutting through an alleyway before walking along the road. The church where the meetings are held is about three miles away from his house, but it’s his favorite part of Group. There’s no one around, it’s dark, and there’s this wonderful, faint sound of nature-- sometimes Josh wishes he could walk forever.

After sending a quick text to his mom that he’s on his way home, he pockets his phone and spends the rest of the walk thinking about his future. Josh wasn’t sure how much longer he’d be forced to go to this stupid support group. He knew it wasn’t helping. They were supposed to be learning coping skills, ways to better handle the disease, but so far Josh hadn’t learned a damn thing. Surgery was inevitable at this point, which was really crappy. Yeah, he’d get the flowers removed. Yeah, he’d stop loving his best friend. The thing was though, Josh wasn’t sure if he _wanted_ to stop loving his best friend.

Tyler Joseph. 5’10, a skinny, gorgeously tanned basketball player who was not only humble and kind but wickedly talented at everything he did. He wrote song after song, would spend hours sitting at the piano plunking out chords, and just like that, he’d have a beautiful work of art. Tyler wanted to start a band really badly. The college he was going to had an excellent college radio station that he was already signed up to help with, _and_ had already agreed to give him a performance slot at their opening social. Plus, Tyler was only going so far away because he was given a _full ride._

Tyler was a genius, and Josh had no clue how he had gotten so lucky. He and Tyler were the last people to ever be friends, yet they got along so well, even from the start, and had been friends for almost six years now; he wished he could go back and stop himself from falling in love with his perfect best friend.

When he gets home, his mother is sitting in the living room, watching some drama on television. She pauses it and smiles.

“Hey Josh, how was Group?”

“Fantastic,” he mutters, heading up the stairs. “I’ve got school in the morning so I’m gonna go to bed.”

“Josh,” his mother says in a stern tone. He stops and leans over the handrail. 

“What?”

“I know things are difficult for you right now. I know you don’t like going to this, but it’s beneficial! You’re learning coping methods meant to help you keep this problem of yours maintained--”

“Coping skills?” Josh scoffs. His mother has no idea. “We aren’t learning coping skills. You know what we went over today? The benefits of our disease. Benefits, Mom. You know what the benefits of being in love with someone are?”

She opens her mouth to talk, and instantly closes it. Josh never told her it was Tyler he was in love with. It was much easier to pretend it was some girl at school than his best friend that his own mother knew and loved. 

“There are no benefits. I wake up every morning in excruciating pain because of this stupid disease. I’m coughing until I can’t breathe and there are flowers all over the floor. If I actually was learning coping skills, then maybe it’d be a bit more tolerable.” Josh continues up the stairs, ignoring his mother yelling about finding him a different support group.

Josh hates it. He absolutely hates it. His mother will never understand.

All of his siblings are already asleep, so Josh brushes his teeth and slips into his bedroom quietly. He bunches up all his pillows; sleeping propped up helps him not cough as much during the night.

Unfortunately, as soon as Josh lays down, he’s forced into a coughing fit and rolls off his bed onto his hands and knees. He’s sure his face is bright red as he hacks on his carpet, struggling to breathe, wishing it would all be over soon. He wants it to be over.

All of it to be over.

There’s a new flower petal in the group, one Josh doesn’t recognize. It’s bright pink and in some strange way, reminds him of Pepto Bismol. A knot forms in his stomach. 

_ Four flowers. _

He takes a couple minutes to collect himself by running his fingers through his hair, repeating to himself that _everything is gonna be okay,_ and then Josh climbs into bed and goes to sleep.

-

At school, Josh meets up with his friends in the morning. It’s only been a few weeks into his diagnosis, and he’s done a pretty good job of hiding his disease from them. His teachers had to be informed, because of school policy and all that jazz, but since it isn’t contagious, he was allowed to keep attending. His teachers gave him the same pity looks Miss Stephanie gave him.

Josh hated it.

But his friends didn’t know, and Josh loved that. They treated him like a normal person. And since it was so early in his diagnosis, Josh was able to down enough cough syrup and DayQuil to keep him from having too many coughing fits. If he did have one, Josh was able to excuse himself fairly quickly without raising any eyebrows.

It was nice right now. Josh could pretend he was still a normal person. Pretty soon, he wouldn’t be able to do that, and since it was this early and Josh was already up to four different flowers, it seemed like that day was approaching fast.

“Hey, Josh!” Tyler greets him in the commons of their high school with a pat on the back. They all usually hang out there before the bell rings for class. “How was your morning?”

“Fine,” he lies. Josh had another coughing fit this morning, right in front of his siblings. They too gave him stupid pity looks.

“Great! I was wondering if you’d want to shoot some hoops after school-- basketball practice got canceled because the coach is severely ill. It’s actually canceled the entire rest of the week.”

“What happened?” Asks Mark, his eyebrows furrowed. Mark was the best. He was actually the one that brought Josh and Tyler together. Josh loved and hated him for it.

“Hanahaki. Apparently, it’s really bad. He and his wife got divorced several years ago, but he still loved her; this has been a long time coming.”

Josh’s face turns stark white. He really hopes no one notices.

“Damn, that’s tough. Is he getting surgery?”

“Yeah, today, I believe. At least that’s what the assistant coach said. Coach Bradley doesn’t want to do anything without Coach Roberts. This is like the one week we don’t have any games, so it’s fine. We’re going to have an extra long practice on Saturday before the home game on Monday. You guys coming?”

“Of course!” Mark exclaims, throwing his arm around Josh’s shoulders. “We wouldn’t miss it for the world.”

Tyler smiles. “Sick. I gotta go talk to a teacher before class starts, so I’ll see you guys all later?”

“Sounds good,” Josh spits out. He doesn’t notice Mark’s frown.

As soon as Tyler disappears down the hallway, Mark turns towards Josh. “Dude, are you okay?”

“Fine, why?”

“Your fists are clenched by your sides.”

Oh. Josh looks down and relaxes them. He hadn’t even realized. “Oh. Uhm, yeah, I’m just peachy.”

Mark doesn’t seem to buy it. “Doesn’t seem like it. Did something happen at home?”

“Nothing happened. I’m just tired.” Josh’s throat burns. He’s about to start coughing. _Shit shit shit._ “I uhm,” he coughs a little, knowing it’s going to get much worse, “have to go to the bathroom. Right now.” And with that, Josh turns on his heel and darts into the men’s restroom. He locks himself in a stall and drops to his knees, already coughing into his hands as he tilts his head over the toilet and tries to aim. They're only flowers, but they don’t feel very good coming up your throat; Josh wishes it was vomit. That would be a lot easier to deal with.

When he finishes, Josh leans back on his knees to catch his breath and looks at the plethora of flower petals in the bowl. There are more pink ones this time. Josh has no clue what they are or what they mean, but the number four pounds in his head like a drumbeat. Four is the beginning of the danger zone, which meant soon Josh would be doomed.

He runs a hand through his hair and takes another deep breath. Then he picks up the rest of the petals that had missed the toilet, dumps them in, and flushes. When he comes out of the stall, Mark is there waiting for him, his arms crossed and a frown on his face.

“Dude,” he says softly.

“I threw up,” Josh shrugs nonchalantly, “no big deal.”

“Yeah?” Mark glares at him. “Is that why you have a bright red flower petal stuck to your shirt?”

Josh looks down. Sure enough, that stupid rose petal is sticking to the bottom of his tee. _Dammit,_ he thinks as he pulls it off and sticks it in his pocket. He clears his throat. “I was trimming flowers this morning. Must have slipped my eye.”

Mark rolls his eyes. “Josh, I’m not an idiot. I saw how you acted when Tyler mentioned his coach having Hanahaki. You just ran into the bathroom coughing. There’s a flower petal. I can connect the dots.”

A sigh. The gig was up. “Okay. You can’t tell anyone, especially not Tyler.”

Mark’s eyebrows furrow. “Why not? He’s your best friend! You know he’d be supportive of you.”

“I don’t want people knowing because everyone who does know gives me frickin’ pity looks and I don’t like that. Like right now. How you’re looking at me.” Mark’s face relaxes.

“Sorry,” he murmurs. “I promise I won’t tell anyone.”

“Thank you. Look, I’m getting help for it, okay? I got this under control. I go to a support group.” Josh cringes as the words leave his mouth. God, he hated that. “I’m only a few weeks in, and I’m managing just fine. So don’t feel bad for me. I’m still a normal, eighteen-year-old boy.” 

With a nod towards the door, Josh leaves the restroom. Mark doesn’t follow him.

-

After school, Josh goes over to Tyler’s house to shoot some hoops. It’s nice to get away from all the stupid kids he’s forced to go to school with and all his teachers that pull him aside to ask him how’s he’s doing and if there’s anything they could do for him. Josh hates people feeling sorry for him. He just wants to be treated normally.

They’re playing a game of Horse, and Josh is up; he stands with his feet apart and shoots the ball, grinning smugly as it flies through the hoop with a perfect swoosh. Tyler breaks out into applause.

“Dang Josh, look at you! You should have been on the team!”

Josh rolls his eyes, but that grin is still proudly on his face. “Nah, I just got lucky.”

Tyler grabs the ball from the grass and hugs it to his chest. “Dude, I’ve missed you. I feel like we haven’t hung out in so long.”

Yeah, there was a reason for that. Josh thinks back to what Miss Stephanie said about telling the person you were in love with them because it would make things easier-- Josh has no clue how he would even bring that up. He finds himself staring at Tyler. His hair is pushed lazily out of his face and he looks particularly gorgeous today; Josh is going crazy.

“Yeah,” he chuckles, casting his eyes to the ground, “it’s been far too long. I’m really glad we got to do this today.”

“Hey, what are you up to this weekend? My parents are going out of town, wanna sleep over? The rest of my siblings are going over to my grandparents, so I’ll have the whole house to myself.”

“That sounds fun! I’m game.” Josh nods his head rapidly and points towards the ball. “We still playing?”

Tyler tosses him the ball, and the game goes on.

-

Josh grows increasingly more worried as the week goes on. Knowing he’s staying the night at Tyler’s house, just Tyler and him, makes him extremely anxious. What if he has a coughing fit? What if Tyler finds out?

He doesn’t want Tyler to know. If Tyler knows, it’s game over.

His mother seems just as worried as he is as Friday night draws closer. She stops him on his way to Group Wednesday night. “Babe, I don’t know if spending the night with Tyler is such a good idea, especially if you don’t want him to know about your... condition.”

Josh shakes his head. “It’s not that bad. I’ll just drown myself in cough syrup and DayQuil again. Problem solved.”

“Why don’t you just tell him?”

“Same reason I don’t want to tell any of my friends. I’ll be okay Mom, I promise. I’ll text you every hour if you’d want me to, just so you’d know I was okay.”

She sighs. “I want you to go out and be a normal kid, but I’m also worried for your health.”

“That’s normal. I gotta go to group, I’ll be late if I don’t leave now.”

“I’ll drive you. Can I take you for some dinner first? So we can talk? Ashley can watch the kids.”

Josh glances over at his younger siblings sitting at the kitchen table. Fast food does sound nice right now. He caves. “Okay, fine. Can we go to Taco Bell?”

“Of course.”

Five minutes later, the two are at Taco Bell, with their own tacos laid out in front of them. Josh has five, while his mother had stuck to two; he’s almost completely done with his dinner and she’s only on the second one.

“Slow down there, kiddo,” she chuckles, reaching out to touch his hand. Josh grins, letting some lettuce spill over his lips.

“Sorry. M’hungry!”

“I know.” Her smile turns apologetic. “Josh, I know you don’t want to go through with surgery, but I’m getting worried about you. You haven’t been yourself.”

“Maybe that’s because I have a life-threatening disease,” Josh sighs and looks down at his tacos. “Sorry. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I’m just... I dunno. Bitter, I guess.”

“Because of this?”

“Yeah. It’s just stupid, you know? Like, I’m in high school. Relationships in high school never last and I happen to be the one unlucky kid who gets this stupid, rare disease. I’m the one who’s going to have to deal with this, my heart aching over this person I’ll probably never see again after I graduate. It’s just frustrating, is all.”

His mother frowns. “Well, you don’t know that fully. There are chances of deep love, even in young people. Perhaps you two could be soulmates.”

‘I doubt it,” Josh murmurs. His mother doesn’t reply.

-

At group, one chair is empty. Spencer.

“Unfortunately,” Miss Stephanie begins, her eyes rimmed red, “Spencer passed away last night.”

A collective gasp settles over the group as Miss Stephanie sniffs and dabs at her eyes with the sleeve of her sweater. “Bless his poor soul. His surgery was so close...”

Josh stares at the ground. A pit forms in his stomach.

“Does anyone want to say a few words?”

Katie stands up and pushes her hair out of her face. She clears her throat as everyone turns to look at her. “Uhm, well, Spencer and I didn’t really talk much, but, he was cool. And, like all of us, he knew that this is hard. What people don’t understand is the fact that we don’t want to give up these feelings of love, even though they are killing us. They give us looks of pity and say, ‘Why don’t you just get the surgery?’”

Truman nods his head and stands up as well, flashing Katie a supportive smile. “We’re all young. The fact that we have a life-threatening disease doesn’t really resonate until someone actually dies, and I realize that we don’t want to tell the person, but... maybe we should. It’d help, I think. Help us stay alive. Help us get the strength to go through with the surgery and realize that there will be other people.”

Miss Stephanie claps her hands quietly. “Thank you, Katie and Truman, that was very well put. Is there anyone else who would like to say anything?”

Josh wants to speak, but he finds himself unable to move. Spencer was dead, and his surgery was so close. He had eight flowers crowding his lungs, and Josh was already halfway there. Maybe his mother was right. Maybe he did need to schedule this surgery. As much as he didn’t want to stop loving Tyler, he didn’t want to die over it. That would do much more damage to Tyler and his family than it would to Josh.

After group, Miss Stephanie stops Josh on his way out. “Joshua, can I speak with you for a quick minute?”

“Uh, sure.” He follows her into another classroom of the church and sits down. “What’s up?”

“I just want to make sure you’re doing okay. Honestly. I know you meant what you said last week and I do care about your well-being. I care about everyone’s well-being here. You were right about the smiles-- I shouldn’t be doing that, nor should I pretend that everything is okay. It’s like Truman said: you guys don’t realize things are dangerous until someone dies. I’m only making that worse.”

Josh sighs. “I was a jerk, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have freaked out like that. This is just... a lot. And at first, I was really reluctant to go to this.”

“So why stay? Why sit through these meetings when you can just leave?”

A shrug. “I guess I do want to get better. I don’t want to die, and stuff.”

“Right. I understand that.”

“My mom wants me to schedule my surgery already.”

“Well, three is pretty high already, it might be--”

“Four, now,” Josh interrupts, refusing to look her in the eyes. “I’m in love with my best friend. Telling him I love him could ruin everything, but not telling him could literally kill me.”

“And you don’t want to stop loving him?”

Josh shakes his head. “No. I don’t.”

Miss Stephanie leans forward to rest a hand on his knee supportively. “I understand that. Unfortunately, the longer the wait, the sooner you’ll have a terrible accident, one that could end in death. Do you want that?”

“No.”

“So I would tell him, Josh. I know how hard it is, but it would benefit you in the end. And if things don’t work out, if you know he doesn’t love you back, then you get the surgery and move on. Like Truman said, there are other people in life. Other people we will love. You’re only eighteen. If your friend isn’t your soulmate, then you’ll find one eventually.”

He doesn’t believe her but nods anyway. “Thank you, Miss Stephanie. I’ll take that into consideration.”

She smiles. “I’m glad we could have this talk. I’ll see you next week?”

“Yeah. See you later.” He stands up and begins his walk home, his hands jammed deep into his pockets. Josh walks home extra slow that night.

-

When Friday rolls around, Josh goes over to Tyler’s house after school with an overnight bag stuffed at the top of his bookbag. He was actually quite relieved to finally be away from school and his family and get some quality time with Tyler.

The only thing that Josh was nervous about was his coughing fits; if he got one with Tyler in the room, he’d be screwed.

The good thing was that his mom was nice enough to bring over his cough medication, so Josh had that to look forward to.

“Dude, I’m so pumped you’re here. We’re going to have so much fun,” Tyler explains as he leads Josh up to his room. “We’re going to eat so much junk food until our stomachs hurt, and then have a movie marathon, and drink lots of Redbull, and stay up all night!”

Josh laughs. “That sounds amazing to me.”

“Great. And the house is all ours! This is incredible. I hardly ever get time alone.”

“I feel that. Alone time is always nice.”

“Right? Anyways, just dump your stuff wherever.”

“Okay, cool.” Josh lets his bags slide to the floor and tugs on the end of his t-shirt. “What are we gonna do first?”

“Well, it’s almost four-- should we order pizza now or later?”

Josh grins. “Now. Let’s order pizza.”

Tyler pumps his fist and cheers. “Yes! Give me one second.” He leaves the room to go make the phone call, and Josh sits down on his bed to check what time his mother was coming up. She had texted him she’d come around six; Josh hoped he could avoid coughing until then. There’s already a burn at the back of his throat that’s worrying him immensely.

Josh takes a deep breath and reminds himself that everything is going to be okay. He can do this. Tyler won’t find out.

-

The night goes pretty well. Josh only coughs a couple of times and blames it on a cold, which, fortunately, Tyler believes. They settle down onto the couch for a movie marathon, surrounded by boxes of pizza, cans of Redbull, and enough junk food to put both of them in a coma. Josh is really enjoying this. He gets to be with his best friend, and have a good time without worrying about anything else, and since Tyler didn’t know about Josh’s Hanahaki, there was absolutely no pity looks, no “how are you feeling”’s-- it was just him and Tyler.

Josh’s mom hadn’t brought up his medicine yet, and she wasn’t answering her phone. Josh was starting to get anxious but tried to avoid looking at his phone too much so he wouldn’t bring attention to himself.

After their second movie, _Die Hard_ has ended, Tyler goes back to the Netflix selection screen and turns towards Josh. “Have you decided where you’re gonna go to college yet?”

A shrug. “Not really. Honestly, I’ll probably just stay here and do community college. I don’t have an interest in anything in particular.”

“You could always go exploratory.”

“Yeah, true. That’s most likely what I’ll end up doing. But community college is cheap and I wanna stay close to home.”

“I don’t really want to leave Columbus either, to be honest.” Tyler sighs and leans his head back against the couch. “I love this place. I could totally see myself living here, starting a family, getting a good job. I don’t ever want to leave.”

Josh definitely did not feel the same way, but he knew his anxiety would not permit him to leave home anytime soon, no matter how bad he wanted to go somewhere else. “Do you think you’ll stay here for college, then?”

“Well, I did get into Ohio State and some other colleges around here, but it’s pretty dang expensive, you know? The one out in California is offering me a full ride, and a bunch of other stuff because of basketball. I’d be dumb not to take it.”

“Do you want to play basketball your whole life, though?”

Tyler thinks about it. “I dunno. I love basketball, don’t get me wrong. Playing in college would be a really awesome experience. I just, I want to do music and stuff. I’ve already been looking into the music program there. My only concern is that it’s audition-based.”

Josh furrows his eyebrows. “Tyler, I’ve heard you play. You are incredible. There’s no way they would turn you down--”

“I have to read sheet music,” Tyler interrupts, wringing his hands together. “I don’t know how to do that. Everything I write, I write because it sounds good. And yeah, I know some basics, like which keys represent which letters, but besides that... I dunno.”

“Damn,” Josh huffs. “Well, maybe they could make an exception for you. If you made an appointment with the people and explained to them how things worked, maybe they’d let you in?”

Tyler raises his shoulders lamely and goes back to wringing his hands. “Who knows. But that isn’t for awhile, so we don’t have to worry about it right now. It’s just crazy that we’re about to go off to college.”

“Yeah, and you’ll be thirty-six hours away from me.”

“You already have that number memorized?”

Josh scoffs. “Of course. Who will I share all my sick memes with?”

Tyler laughs and reaches out to pat Josh’s knee. Josh pretends he didn’t have chills shoot up his spine. “I’ll miss you a ton, J. Don’t worry though, we’ll facetime every day and when I come back over the holidays, we’ll spend every second together.”

“Promise?” 

“I promise.”

They look at each other. Tyler seems like he’s leaning in, _actually_ leaning in, and Josh thinks that this moment couldn’t be any more perfect-- he has to do this. He has to kiss Tyler, because Tyler seems interested in doing that, right?

Josh kisses him. Tyler doesn’t pull away at first, but he’s definitely in shock; once that passes, Tyler pushes Josh off of him and scoots further up the couch with his eyes wide. “Josh?” He says softly.

Josh jumps off the couch and takes a few steps back. “I’m sorry,” he replies, his voice cracking. Tyler wasn’t interested. Of fucking _course_ Tyler wasn’t interested. Josh was the biggest idiot ever. 

He can feel his throat closing and his heart beating through his ribcage. Josh is about to go into full-blown panic mode soon, so he goes where his feet take him, and that’s the bathroom. There, Josh shuts the door, slides down it, and hikes his knees to his chest, where his tears overflow his eyelids like a flooded river. He ruined everything. How can he be friends with Tyler now? Why did he _do_ that?

But why didn’t Tyler yank back right away? Did that mean he had some interest? Any at all?

Josh continues sobbing, which soon turns into coughing, and sure enough, he’s hacking flowers onto the tiled floor. There are a couple flower petals he doesn’t recognize, new ones, which makes him feel even more scared. He can’t stop coughing. His hands scratch at his throat, trying to get air, any tiny bit possible, but nothing is coming to him. Josh feels like Alice, falling down a rabbit’s hole, as black spots start to cloud his vision, and he falls unconscious, surrounded by flowers.

-

The next few hours are a blur as Josh falls in and out of consciousness. There’s an oxygen mask over his mouth, and his eyelids flutter; he thinks he sees Tyler amidst all the chaos, but seconds later he disappears.

Josh feels so stupid. He ruined everything. Tyler would never want to speak to him again, and their friendship would fade into the abyss with every other high school friendship Josh ever had.

When he finally comes to, Josh is alone in a hospital bed, that dumb oxygen mask still over his mouth. He’s tempted to rip it off, but it definitely is making it easier to breathe, so he decides against it. Josh knew he was really in for it now, especially with his mother, who would most likely yell at him for not being more cautious or telling her about the other flowers. Josh knows he should have done that.

By the time Josh’s mother enters his room, he’s already prepared himself for her wrath. Josh holds his head high as his mother walks over and drops into a rickety plastic chair. She leans forward, letting her hands cup her chin and sighs.

“How are you?”

Josh blinks. Okay, so far, not too bad. “I’m alright.” his voice is muffled by the mask over his mouth. He makes sure it’s okay with his mom before he gently lowers it around his neck.

“Tyler was sobbing when he called us. Said he found you unconscious, surrounded by giant piles of flower petals.” His mother sighs again. “I guess part of that is on me. I was late bringing you your stuff.”

“No,” Josh shakes his head, “none of it was your fault. I... I was an idiot. Mom, I’m up to five flowers, and I was trying so hard to keep it a secret, but I can’t anymore. I need to be upfront and honest with you because I...” Josh sniffs, “I don’t want to die.”

“I know baby, I know. And it’s okay. We’ll schedule your surgery for sometime soon and deal with the consequences afterward. It’s okay if we have to spend an eternity paying off the bills. It’s worth it if it means my son can live, go to college, and get a job. You’ll find someone later in life, sweetheart. I know it may seem tough now, but things will get better.”

“Mom, you don’t understand. It’s Tyler I’m in love with.” It’s a relief to get that off his chest. “I thought... I thought he was leaning in, and everything just felt so perfect... so I kissed him. And it freaked him out. That’s why I had a coughing fit. I made everything so much worse.”

“Oh, Josh.” She reaches out to pat his leg. “I’m so sorry. That must have been tough.”

“Is he still here?”

“Yes. He’s waiting outside with your father and siblings. He’s really worried, Josh. I think it’d be best if you talked to him about things.”

“Okay, yeah.” He didn’t have to tell Tyler he was in love with him. He could say the Hanahaki and kissing incident were two, completely unrelated things. Obviously, Tyler didn’t feel the same way, so he could pass it off as a petty crush.

When Tyler comes in, the first thing he does is give him a look of pity-- that same look Josh had been trying to avoid since the beginning. He sighs loudly and scoots up the bed as Tyler sits down.

Tyler paws at his face with his hands and takes a deep breath. “How long?” He asks. Josh doesn’t need context. He knows.

“A little over a month.”

“A little over a month.” Tyler scoffs. Josh can’t tell if he’s upset or furious. “You’ve had Hanahaki for over a _month_ and never told me?”

“I didn’t want you to worry.”

“I’m your best friend! It’s my _job_ to worry!”

“Tyler, I didn’t tell anyone. You know why? Because I wanted to be treated like a normal kid. You know how people get with this kind of shit. They give you pity looks and ask if you’re doing okay, and baby you. I fucking hate that. Everyone who knows, my parents, my teachers, my siblings-- all act like I’m not capable of taking care of myself and I am.”

“Obviously not, if you’re having a coughing fit in my bathroom.”

Josh’s fists clench in his blanket. “That was one incident, okay?  It doesn’t happen like that all the time. This is the worst it’s gotten. Besides, I’m scheduling my surgery for soon, so it doesn’t even matter anymore.”

Tyler lets out a long sigh. “I’m sorry, Josh. I don’t mean to yell and be a dick. I just, you could have died. I was freaking out. I had to call 911 and tell them what was going on and an ambulance had to come and--” he stops himself, runs his fingers through his hair, and sighs again. “It’s not your fault. I shouldn’t be putting this all on you. I just want to be supportive, okay? I love you, dude. If you died... I don’t even want to think about what I would do if that happened.”

“You don’t need to apologize. I’m sorry for not telling you. I’m not gonna die, okay? Promise.”

“Yeah. Okay.” Tyler looks up from the floor. “I understand why you did that, then.”

Josh blinks. “Did what?”

“Why you kissed me.” Oh. “It’s okay. I know unrequited love is hard, and it might be tough to move on--”

“Oh my god Tyler, you weren’t my rebound!” Josh’s voice rises with hysteria. “I didn’t kiss you because I knew the person I loved didn’t love me back. I kissed you because I like you.”

“That’s okay too, and I’m glad you trust me enough to share your sexuality with me--”

“Oh my god! Tyler! Shut up!” Josh throws his hands up into the air, causing Tyler to snap his mouth shut. “I’m not... _gay,_ or whatever. I don’t, I don’t want to put labels on myself right now, okay? It was nothing more than a petty little crush. It seemed like you were sorta leaning in, and so I took my chances, which were obviously wrong. Cased closed.”

“I mean, I’m not gay either, I’m just saying--”

“Can you just get out?” Josh points towards the door. He feels worse than when he got here. “Please. I don’t wanna fucking deal with this right now. You don’t get it, Tyler. You won't understand until you can see it.”

“Yeah.” Tyler pushes out of his chair awkwardly and catches it before it falls to the floor. He shoves his hands deep into his pockets and shuffles towards the exit. Josh watches him closely, watches him as he turns back around. “I’m sorry.”

Josh turns on his side and ignores Tyler’s footsteps.

-

“Welcome back, everybody. I hope you had a good weekend. Does anyone want to talk about what they did?”

Josh stands up, and swallows nervously, ignoring the eyes on him. Usually, he wouldn’t willingly volunteer, but after the weekend he had, he needed to get some stuff on his chest. He had been in the hospital until this morning, and then his mom had made him skip school to rest at home. For the first time ever, Josh had actually been _excited_ to go to group.

“Uhm, hey, everyone. I just, uh, I wanted to share about what happened this weekend.”

“Go ahead, Josh.” Miss Stephanie smiles politely and gestures for Josh to continue.

“I spent the night at my best friend’s house. Yeah, that friend, and we... well, we were talking, about college and stuff. I don’t really know how it happened, but we kissed, and he, he didn’t pull away right away. For a second I thought...” Josh trails off and shakes his head. “Anyway, I was wrong. I had a really bad coughing fit and ended up passing out. I actually spent the weekend in the hospital. It’s getting really bad. I’m up to five flowers, I can barely sleep at night because I’m coughing all the time. My surgery is scheduled for Friday.” He sits down and stares at the floor. No one speaks until Miss Stephanie clears her throat.

“Thank you for sharing, Josh. I’m glad to hear you are taking the steps to get better, no matter how hard it may be.”

“Well, wait.” Katie stands up and looks over at Josh. “You just kissed him and he pulled away in shock, right?”

“Yeah,” Josh says.

“So you never actually told him that you were in love with him.”

“Well, no, but--”

“Josh, you have to tell him!”

“He obviously has no interest in me.”

“You don’t know that,” Charlie adds, which surprises Josh. “You did say he lingered. That could mean something.”

“Dude, your surgery is on Friday. You got nothing to lose now. Just... go for it.” Truman shrugs. Josh looks back down at his shoes.

-

He knows the surgery process won’t be painful, and that his chances of survival are high, but as his surgery date approaches, Josh finds himself getting more and more nervous. School definitely hadn’t been helping, because Josh no longer visited in the commons and instead sat in his homeroom until school started. He avoided Tyler at all costs and dodged Mark’s questions as best as he could. 

Josh skips group on Wednesday, too anxious to deal with everyone there, and as Thursday night approaches, he finds himself pacing his room, thinking back to what everyone had told him Monday night. Josh decides that maybe he really does have nothing to lose by telling Tyler the truth. His surgery is definitely tomorrow, and soon all his feelings towards his best friend will be long gone. It really does bother Josh, knowing that. A part of him wishes he could have developed this stupid disease later in life after they had graduated high school and stuff.

He makes the short walk over to Tyler’s house and raises his closed fist to knock on the door. _You can do this._

After three solid raps, Tyler’s mother answers. She gives him a pity smile; Josh ignores it. “Hello! So nice to see you again. I’m so sorry about what happened on Friday night.”

“Thank you, Mrs. Joseph, but I’m fine. Tomorrow’s my surgery, so.” He coughs. “I uhm, I wanted to talk to Tyler before I had to head into the hospital.”

“Of course, dear. He’s upstairs in his room, you go right ahead.” She pulls the door open for him, and Josh darts up the stairs, his heart thumping loudly against his ribcage.

The door to Tyler’s bedroom is cracked, so Josh pushes in quietly. Tyler is hunched over his laptop, sitting at his desk, madly typing away. Josh assumes he probably had a song idea and was trying to write it down before he forgot. There were plenty of burrito wrappers and fast food receipts in Tyler’s drawers full of random song lyrics and chord progressions.

“Dammit!” Tyler suddenly yells, slamming his fist down on his desk. He aggressively closes his laptop and spins around in his chair, managing to catch sight of Josh before Josh could make his presence known. “Oh. Josh. Hi.”

“Uhm, hey.” Josh makes his way over to Tyler’s bed, still watching him carefully as he sits down. Tyler doesn’t seem to mind, so Josh clears his throat and continues. “I just wanted to apologize for the way I acted back at the hospital. You were only trying to be supportive and I’m sorry for being a dick about it.”

“No, it’s okay. I understand how much stress and pressure you’re under, and I know I wasn’t helping at all. You’re right. We shouldn’t put labels on ourselves and worry about all that crap right now. We’re kids, we got a lot ahead of us, so we just gotta live life.”

“Yeah. Right.” Josh starts twisting his fingers together. Here it comes. “I actually haven’t been completely honest with you. I didn’t get Hanahaki just from some girl in school. I got it because I am in love with someone really important to me and this whole time I’ve been afraid of letting them know because I didn’t want to ruin our relationship.”

Tyler’s nose scrunches up. “Dude, you aren’t in love with your brother, are you?”

“What? God Tyler, no. I’m in love with _you,_ ya idiot.”

Tyler blinks. Josh’s words didn’t seem to quite register with him. “What?”

“It was never some petty little crush. I’ve been in love with you for a really long time. It’s just this past month that I developed the disease. I guess it’s because I’m young, right? There’s absolutely no way my straight best friend could ever love me back. I was kicked out of that one percent range into the depths of the normies. But I’m already getting my surgery tomorrow, and my friends at group convinced me that I had nothing to lose, so here I am.”

“Josh, I--”

“You don’t have to say it, I already know it’s true. It’s fine, really. Tomorrow I’m getting all the flowers removed and all these bad, homosexual thoughts about you will be gone forever. I’ll find someone later in life.”

“Josh--”

“I just wanted to get that off my conscience, is all. I felt terrible for lying all this time, but it was something that had to be done. I hope you understand. Anyway, I’m gonna go now.” Josh stands up to leave and is promptly pushed back done by Tyler’s strong arms as they grab a hold of his hips. Warm lips are suddenly on his, and Josh thinks he might already be dead because _holy shit_ Tyler is kissing him. It’s super awkward, for they bump noses, and foreheads, and teeth, and Tyler is sitting in Josh’s lap in a way that is putting _a lot_ of uncomfortable pressure on Josh’s dick, but besides the minor inconveniences, Josh is having the time of his life. Suddenly, his ribcage doesn’t feel like it’s clouded with thick smoke.

Tyler pulls off and looks Josh in the eyes as he slides his hands up to grasp Josh’s cheeks. “Josh, I _do_ love you. We’ve known each other since the eighth-grade dude, when you flat ironed your hair and had braces.” Josh blushes. He tried to avoid thinking about middle school. “How could I not love you? And what you said at the hospital really had me thinking. You’re right. I haven’t thought about it. But I did it a lot this week. I asked myself, what do I want in a soulmate? I want them to always be there for me. I want to be able to joke around with them. I want to go on adventures with them. Most importantly, I want them to be my best friend.” Tyler smiles. “That’s you, dude. Soulmates are so damn rare in today’s society, and I’ve been blind to the fact that mine has been right next to me this whole time.”

Josh pulls Tyler into a tight hug. He couldn’t believe this. He couldn’t believe those words had come out of Tyler’s mouth, that Tyler was _willing_ to start something. “We’re going away to college.”

“We’ll find a way to make things work. We already were going to do that in the first place, right? We take things slow. You’ll have to recover from this Hanahaki anyways.”

“Slowly but surely,” Josh nods. He coughs into his hand and reveals a pile of wilting petals. His heart stirs. “Tyler, they’re dying.”

“Josh, I know we’re young, and I know how nervous you get about this kind of stuff. I want to try, even if it takes us a hundred years before we officially start dating. Until we’re ready, we’re best friends who are in love with each other.”

“Okay, Okay, yeah, that sounds good.”

Tyler smiles and leans back in to kiss Josh again. Josh accepts and pushes back in. He’s pretty sure he’s never been this happy in his entire life. Tyler pushes Josh onto his back and straddles him, his hands roaming up Josh’s shirt, while Josh wraps his own hands around Tyler’s waist.

They kiss for about ten minutes before Josh pulls away. He’s definitely not ready for anything else besides kissing at the moment, despite his raging boner.

“What’s wrong?” asks Tyler.

“I just realized I have to call the hospital and tell them I don’t need surgery anymore.” He grins ear to ear and lets Tyler pull him back into a third kiss.

Later that night, Josh goes back to his old journal entry and scribbles out what he had originally written before adding something new.

_ Pros of being in love with your best friend?  _

_ You get to keep living life like nothing has changed, except now, I get to kiss him. _

_ A lot. _


End file.
